Tomorrow is the Rapture, but as Tim LaHaye's scholarly exegesis proves (?!), Catholics are going to be "left behind." Guess what else? It's a rolling rapture, see, because God honors our man-made time zones. Didn't know that, didja!
I betcha also didn't know that the Zombie Apocalypse comes right on the heels of the Rapture. Hmm? That's theology I'm makin' up as I go. So pay attention, because the rapture and zombies go together like peas & carrots.
It might be a good time to consider what kind of car you would like to drive, for example.
Or what kind of house you want to live in, you know, for the next five months(if you don't get eaten... just sayin'!). Or is it a thousand years? Whatever.
Have you signed up for the Post-Rapture Looting Party yet? You'll also want to check-in with Julie Davis over at Happy Catholic too, because her's is the one-stop shop for Catholics looking for zombie information. And the Crescat has a very smart, and short post-Rapture looting list too. With what she'll be picking up, everything else will come easy.
Since the end is nigh you will need some quickie training. There is no time to complete a Learning Annex course people, so you'll need to opt for the next best thing...movies!
First, it is critical that you watch Demi Moore in The Seventh Sign. Whatsat? A prediction for a February end? That's just a rounding error. Don't be fooled!
And then back that training film up by watching Shawn of the Dead. Don't gimme any lip about appropriateness either, because the end is nigh! Semper Paratus.
Which brings us to beer. The deal is you may not a) find your favorite brand in Heaven; b) find your favorite brand being made anymore; ergo c) you need to have some of your favorite beers tonight before it is all over. Especially when you consider the possibility of no ice to make beer cold any longer in the future. The horror! But Mark Shea may have a solution.
And h/t to Father Scott Hurd and his Friday quote of the day, from St. Bridgid of Ireland (c 450-525),
I would like a great lake of beer for the King of the kings; I would like the people of heaven to be drinking it through time eternal.
Hear, hear! St. Bridgid, pray for us!
p.s. I just added a searchable Bible link in the left-hand sidebar. Search for the word rapture and see what comes up. Wither Sola Scriptura?
Update: Sadly, this story isn't from the Onion. Sigh. Tell it Mark.
Update II: Take a few moments to run this flowchart to see how likely you'll be "left behind."